Remorse
by Mikayla Gawain
Summary: "Every sorrow that Gawain feels now, or my children feel… It all leads back to me."


Remorse

By Mikayla Gawain

Death is a painful thing to experience from the world of the living. However, that is not to say that it is not hard to deal with in the world of the dead.

I have been dead for almost eleven years. Here, I know nothing else can happen to me. I'm intangible and invisible; no harm can be brought to me. I can move around the world of the living without detection. The afterlife is lonely, for I am by myself here. I never found my mother or my father in all of the time I've spent wandering. I can only assume that they're still alive somewhere. Even with searching, I've been waiting patiently to find company. Hopefully I'll be waiting a long time until my family will join me here. I pray that Gawain will stay alive long enough for Mist to become a woman, and that maybe both her and Ike will have children before he joins me here.

I don't like the idea of any of them being here with me without living a full life, even if it would be a comfort. They're still too young if they die now, like I was when I died. I will never be bitter towards Gawain for his blind rampage eleven years ago. It wasn't his fault. His soul was out of balance because of the dark god imprisoned within Lehran's medallion. Gawain is a good man; he never meant to kill anyone…or me. The look of horror in his eyes when he came back to his senses proved it. I never felt the sword in my heart, even though I knew it was there. I was completely blinded by the sorrow that I had caused him that I couldn't feel anything as my life bled away. It was my fault that he had lost me, not his.

I sometimes regret that he fell in love with me. The thought has always been present in my mind that if I could have prevented the horrible tragedy I inflicted upon his soul, I would have. I used to make him happy years ago, back before I met Lillia. Now I just bring him pain. I don't blame Lillia for any of this either. I was foolish to agree to marry him after being entrusted with Lehran's Medallion and the Galdr of Release. With that said, it doesn't mean I never wanted to be a mother. If I never would have made the decision to run off with Gawain, I never would have had Ike or Mist.

That is something that I could _never_ regret. I love my children too much to ever think to have them never exist. The thought frightens me more than anything else.

I've been given a sort of power with this after life existence. It was always said how mothers always had eyes on the back of their head, always aware of what their children were up to. With what I am now, I have that ability in a way. I can't see them at the same time, I can't be in two places at once, but I _can_ watch them without them ever knowing I'm there.

That is how I've been spending my time since my death, always watching over them. I've seen both of my children grow tall and strong, almost like a dream. When I was alive and young, I always liked the idea of having children of my own and raising them. It's a shame I didn't get to be around long enough to raise them into adulthood. I'm jealous of Gawain being able to raise them while I can't. He did well on his own with them considering what I did to him. He raised them into promising young people. Although Ike still needs to work on his manners and be a little less brash, and Mist could, from what I can tell, use work on her everyday skills, I can feel the pride that Gawain has for our children.

I share the same pride. I could have never imagined the people that they were to grow into, and now that I see them as they are, I wish that I could be with them. They have not had easy lives, but they're very strong. Dangers beyond their knowledge have threatened them since their births, which is something entirely my fault. It's all because of me that my children will always be in danger. As long as Mist keeps that medallion to remember me, they'll always be in danger.

Every sorrow that Gawain feels now, or my children feel…It all leads back to me.

Everything is my fault.


End file.
